Unchanged

You know what's harder than being alone? Is being with someone who constantly makes you feel alone because anytime you bring something to their attention they turn it around on you and make you feel like the bad guy. Relationships are hard. Co parenting even harder. I never knew what obstacles we would go through as a couple but never did I think I would be made to feel this lonely. I have a husband who not only does not stick up for me ever but he yells at me and tells me why I am wrong in front of his family. Then later when I "mysteriously" am hiding out upstairs and am asked what is wrong. He has no clue why I am upset. When i tell him, he tells me that everything I'm feeling is invalid and leaves to go fall asleep on the couch. To not only forgot the fight but the following day act like we are fine. This type of situation happens 4 days a week at least. Most nights one of us is sleeping somewhere else without the other and only one of us is bothered by it. I have so many deep ceeded issues of my own from my family and my past that w

Cross Country

Distant. Lonely. Perpetually sad. These are just some of the things I have felt over the last year and 7 months. Day in and day out same routine different day. Some days I see a glimpse of the man I married and he quickly goes back into the depression he is in. Which has in turn brought me down and made both of us unrecongizable to each other. Also in this last year and 7 months I have been Baptized which has grown my relationship with God immensely. I am constantly learning that he is the One and only I need to lean on and search for validation from Him. Now that doesn't mean that I'm great at it all the time. Tonight during an argument my husband said something that has cut me open and splayed my feelings everywhere. He said "You're a poisonous person." Even writing that makes me just want to start crying all over again. Now I know he said it heated and not from a place of love. That doesn't mean he doesn't mean it which I think what hurts the most. I try to teach my kids day in day out that God is the only person they should look to for filling your empty places of your heart. I can't even take my own advice and am just so cut by his words that I just want to run away and never talk again. I have praying over the last few hours for God to give me peace from what I'm feeling and to take the pain and tears away.