Unchanged

You know what's harder than being alone? Is being with someone who constantly makes you feel alone because anytime you bring something to their attention they turn it around on you and make you feel like the bad guy. Relationships are hard. Co parenting even harder. I never knew what obstacles we would go through as a couple but never did I think I would be made to feel this lonely. I have a husband who not only does not stick up for me ever but he yells at me and tells me why I am wrong in front of his family. Then later when I "mysteriously" am hiding out upstairs and am asked what is wrong. He has no clue why I am upset. When i tell him, he tells me that everything I'm feeling is invalid and leaves to go fall asleep on the couch. To not only forgot the fight but the following day act like we are fine. This type of situation happens 4 days a week at least. Most nights one of us is sleeping somewhere else without the other and only one of us is bothered by it. I have so many deep ceeded issues of my own from my family and my past that w

Cross Country

Distant. Lonely. Perpetually sad. These are just some of the things I have felt over the last year and 7 months. Day in and day out same routine different day. Some days I see a glimpse of the man I married and he quickly goes back into the depression he is in. Which has in turn brought me down and made both of us unrecongizable to each other. Also in this last year and 7 months I have been Baptized which has grown my relationship with God immensely. I am constantly learning that he is the One and only I need to lean on and search for validation from Him. Now that doesn't mean that I'm great at it all the time. Tonight during an argument my husband said something that has cut me open and splayed my feelings everywhere. He said "You're a poisonous person." Even writing that makes me just want to start crying all over again. Now I know he said it heated and not from a place of love. That doesn't mean he doesn't mean it which I think what hurts the most. I try to teach my kids day in day out that God is the only person they should look to for filling your empty places of your heart. I can't even take my own advice and am just so cut by his words that I just want to run away and never talk again. I have praying over the last few hours for God to give me peace from what I'm feeling and to take the pain and tears away.

   Since becoming a parent almost five years  ago I have realized a few things. I am significantly more laxed than other parents because life is too short to get on your kids about every little thing. This next one is hard for me to even say because I do not know when I let it happen or how it happened. I let people step in and parent my child. Not in the big life moments or decisions but the little tifts at playgroup or hanging out at a friends house. I think somewhere along the way in the last five years I have tried that whole  dont step on someones toes whose trying to correct your child. Because you are "supposed" to let other people not discipline but correct your kid when he is wrong so that he respects adults beyond mommy and daddy.

  The more I write and talk about it it makes me sick to thing somewhere between his birth and now I have failed him in letting others correct him. The majority of the time the things he does are minor and the parent or family member is just annoyed because it isn't something they like or feel comfortable with themselves. 90% of the time he is not doing anything wrong and "gets in trouble"with the parent or family member.

  Instead of standing up for my son I just let them say their peace and go on with the day. It was actually when I was talking my husband about it about a month ago telling him a situation that happened earlier on at a playdate and he said "Dont let them talk to him like that if it bothers you." 

 From that moment on I sarted realizing and seeing all the moments it was about to happen and still didnt do or say much. I might pipe up here or there but never really defend my son. I just let the parent say their peace and move on.

   It was today when I made a video talking about him and all of the wonderful things that make him him that I thought why would I let anyone stifle or crush his spirit because they dont like that he turned over a few rocks. He's a kid, he's curious and when I asked him about it he said" I found bugs underneath." So why not let him flip over the rocks.

Today I am going to make a change and stand up for my son because if I dont how  will he learn to stand up for himself in life and future harder situations especially if its something he is wrongfully accused of just because it seems like something he would do. He has a good head on his shoulders and again there is the 10% of mischief from the 90 that I didnt mention but he gets a bad rap all the time. I am sick of it. I was put on this earth to protect my children and that includes adults stepping on him because they wouldn't let their kid do that. It's not their place to say something. It is mine.

Just went for a run with Ryan and feeling good!

Its Friday

Today has been a long day...Chuey kept me up last night and then I had class early this morning...ooo but I found out that my school is right by the detention correction facility...no joke so on one side of my campus I have bums and the other I have jail people! Yippie Skippy for me! Whose jealous? Anyone anyone? 

Chuey had his first doctors appointment today and he did wonderful no whimpering or squirming! Plus I feel like I learned alot about training him. He has been really tired all day.

I have a ton of reading to do this weekend and homework. I kinda don't feel like I am even going to have a weekend...Well except tonight me and my baby Ryan and I are having dinner and a movie night at his place! 

Well have a good weekend all!!!!!!!

Chuey

So i got a new puppy. His name is Chuey and he is a long haired dachshund and he's pretty perfect! He's kinda like my new sidekick who follows me around everywhere! Anyways I will be talking about him again but since I have class tomorrow morning and this is my first blog I wanted to write about something new in my life!